Whether you’re a lady that’s reading our bullshit who doesn’t know what to get your man or a guy who’s all about that “treat yo self” life, we’ve got you covered with our holiday gift guide for the modern man. Please note that no one is paying us to tell you this. We’re still poor. This is just our take on the best gifts in the game and what we’re hoping Santa leaves under our trees this year.
Lululemon Sojourn Joggers
“Lululemon is for beta males who think supporting feminism is a mating strategy.” – Goldman Sachs Elevator Guide
Funny, but false. Lulu makes the dopest and most versatile athletic wear, but unfortunately also happens to be the most expensive. We know your boyfriend isn’t going to have the stones to walk into a Lulu store and drop 60 bones on sweats, so be the hero he never knew he needed and hook the boy up this holiday season.
The fact that they are a more refined style of sweatpants make them publicly acceptable especially when traveling. Just don’t fucking wear them with ratty gym shoes. To not look like an asshole your shoes need to be in good condition.
→ $59, at Lululemon
“Looks like a fleshlight and cooks like a chef.” – Mike Badolato, Contributor of Methods of a Modern Male
I know we won’t shut up about these things, but we’re on a personal crusade to bless the kitchen of everyone we know with these magical cooking dildos.
It’s simple to use, yields culinary results that impress people and makes you sound fancy and cultured because you get to say “sous vide” whenever you use it. It will turn even the most incompetent chef into an obnoxious food blogger.
→ $159, on Amazon
Brian Robeson got fucking stranded in the Canadian wilderness and all homeboy had was a hatchet. No manicured facial hair, no plaid flannels, no Yeezys. That inner-city newb had nothing but a hatchet.
Yes, you spend the majority of your life working in a cubicle, but you’re also a Millennial, which means the odds of you getting out into the wilderness to stockpile enough vacation photos to create the illusion that all you do is #adventure is pretty high. You should have a survival tool. God forbid your Instagram geotagging malfunctions and you’re forced to fend for yourself. Honestly, even with a hatchet, you’d still be fucked, but hey, you might as well go down swinging.
→ $108, at Barebones Living
Chemex Coffee Pot
“Keurigs are a fucking waste and they make shit coffee.” – Nikolai Dziezyc, Founder of Methods of a Modern Male
We know this because we asked people with tattoos and septum piercings whose job it is to have brash opinions about making coffee because they do it for a living. We also know this because we have taste-buds. Coffee is delicious and should be enjoyed to its full potential. A Keurig does not do coffee justice and they should all be burned with fire. If you disagree, go butt-chug a Four Loko. Otherwise, take some pride in your coffee and buy a Chemex. This device doesn’t have a screen or buttons and it takes a little bit of time to brew. *trigger millennial seizure*
→ $43, on Amazon
“A guy with a Scarface poster in his apartment is the type of guy still refusing to eat sandwiches with the crust on.” – Your last Bumble date telling her friends why she didn’t have sex with you
You. Are. Not. In. College. Anymore.
Decorate your walls with something other than cheap movie posters, and empty handles of Jack Daniels. A piece of art is an adult investment, it’s not cheap, and it’s not easy to come by. A real piece of art is something special that you will have for a very long time.
Go check out Heidi Somes. You probably recognize her work because she donated the “Modern Man” piece for the November Is For The Boys fundraiser. Her work incorporates movement, texture, and depth and is inspired by her adventures around the globe. So when you’re miserably cramped in your shoebox apartment in Brooklyn fiending for adventure, the painting could be your escape.
→ Contact now
Nice Laundry Socks
“Without nice socks, the life of man [is] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” -Thomas Hobbes, inventor of Western political philosophy, oral sex, and socks
Nice Laundry makes socks that don’t suck and by that we mean they make the best fucking socks you can buy. Doesn’t hurt that they’re affordable. They’ve got something for every guy with four different types and over 101 styles that your boyfriend will actually want to put on. Plus, they’re well built and will last longer than whatever bullshit socks you normally buy him that start limpdicking after a few uses.
- Small box 6 pair for $59
- Medium box 12 pairs for $89
- Large box 18 pairs for $109
They also offer subscriptions and a program for recycling your old socks and underwear to cut back on the 35 billion pounds of textile waste the US creates each year. Boom, now you’re basically Captain Planet.
→ Shop at Nice Laundry
Methods of a Modern Male Beanie
“Hawt damn, who dat lumbersexual man candy? I know he doesn’t know shit about falling a tree but he’s a stone-cold fox in that urban utilitarian hat, buffalo plaid flannel and work boots that have never seen mud in their lives. #Daddy” -Chastity, 22, “Model”
Okay, fine. She’s a barista, but her Instagram is full of “tasteful” nudes and she has over 1,000 followers. We didn’t invent the rules. Kim K did.
More like why not? Just look at these things. Be part of history and pick one of these bad Jacksons before they’re gone. Fuck it, pick up two! Plus, they’re made by Carhartt because Carhartt makes hats that don’t suck and we hate things that suck.
→ $25, at the MoMM Store
Mackerelcrow Urban Trail Pack
“It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.” -You, looking like a Chad with a man purse
You know how you buy Filson bags at Nordstrom because they look super authentic and down-to-earth Millennial? But it’s actually another mass produced bag that everyone else you know is going to buy and you’re just a cog in the consumer machine with no original style? Try harder this year.
This backpack is the legit bag you’re looking for. It’s handmade in the Pacific Northwest and has a roomy interior to pack your shit for work, lunch and the gym. Yes, this is more expensive than your average bag. It’s because it’s a well-crafted bag that is going to last you a lifetime.
→ $250, at the MoMM Store