Relationships

The Modern Male’s Guide: Bumble

Model: AikA Photo by: Lynae Cook

For better or for worse, our generation loves speed judging via dating apps 
Call a spade a spade and admit you’re on those apps in desperate search for validation and some casual fornication… Now that we are being honest, it’s amazing and terrible that you can judge 100+ women as you’re taking your morning dump. However, let us not forget that two play the game and on Bumble the woman maintains the power. So, since more than likely your Bumble pictures are super average, we put together an article of assistance to up your game and increase your success rate.


First things first, how to choose your photos

The general rule is that you should pick pictures that are representative of what you currently look like. If your profile picture is from when you were in college and 30 pounds lighter she’s isn’t going to be pleased if/when you decide to meet in person. You can only hope that she follows the same protocol of honest advertising.

Picture #1: A picture of just you; no group photos even if you are by far the most handsome guy in the group. No woman wants to waste her time trying to decide if anyone in the picture is good looking enough to move her finger an inch to the right. Make sure it is a high quality picture where your face is visible, representative of your current physical appearance and cropped correctly.
Picture #2: A picture of you in a suit that fits. This will demonstrate your masculine prowess, ability to dress well and it will drive her crazy because suits to women are what lingerie is to men. The suit/lingerie analogy applies to all situations in life.
Picture #3: A puppy picture… Women love puppies/dogs. I shouldn’t need to explain this for you but it shows that you are at least responsible enough to take a picture with a dog.
Picture #4: A candid picture of you in a unique place, unique situation, or doing something you’re passionate about. It will give you something to talk about and show that you’re multidimensional.
Picture #5: If you cook, play an instrument or are an artist, a picture of you doing one of these is great to include. However, don’t be that guy who can only play Wonderwall and Color Me Mine or Paint Mixer creations don’t make you an artist, they make you a beta male.
Picture #X: The “everything or the nothing” – the shirtless picture. There can only be one and it has to be exceptional and most definitely never a selfie in a mirror.
It’s a bold move but it’s a heavy play if you nail it… The following factors should be addressed prior to committing:

  • You need to be in the same shape as when the picture was taken.
  • If it’s a group picture, you have to be (by far) the most yolked one in the group.
  • The picture quality needs to be high so she can tell which one is your body and your head and make sure they are connected.

DDD: Do’s, Don’ts and Danger

Do: Put some thought into your bio because what you write depends on the message you want to send. In short, think about the girls you want to attract.

  • Short and simple wins all the time unless you actually have something actually witty and funny…
  • Something funny, but something funny to her, not to you and your boys.
    • Avoid self depreciating humor. You may be able to make her laugh in person with your deprecation but she has no reference point for sarcasm in the virtual world and it calls into question your self confidence.
  • Best to include a link to your Instagram. Remember where you are, what you’re doing and how you operate. Fact checking is something that happens on both sides

The Don’ts (for you)

  • No Tough Mudder/Spartan race pictures. These were cool about eight years ago and 12-year-old girls run these races faster than you do, it’s not hardcore and doesn’t convey anything other than your current NARP (non athletic regular person) status.
  • Your Spotify top preferences, no one gives a shit.
  • Any mirror picture. Not ever, not even if there’s a fire.
  • Pictures with snakes or cats. She doesn’t want to see your python no matter how large it is and your cat makes you look like a pussy.

The Dangers (of her) 

  1. Six selfies, all close ups with no reference of body type.
  2. More than two group photos.
  3. One on one pictures with other dudes. Are they boyfriends? Are you getting yourself involved with something you don’t want to be getting involved with?
  4. Pictures with children, not even going to explain why.
  5. Puppy dog snap chat filters – no, no, no, no, no and no.
  6. Bio’s with “wanderlust gypsy” / “not here for hookups” / any song lyrics / Marilyn Monroe quotes / “live, laugh, love” / “NYC –> Miami –> LA –> Dubai” – you’re not that loaded so does that make you an escort?
  7. Height supremacists: Good dick is good dick and it doesn’t matter if it’s from an NBA player or a midget, you’re obviously thirsty if you’re on Bumble trolling for D. Respect is a two way road and we don’t put shit like “DD fun bags only” and “if you’re a B cup, swipe left.”
  8. Girls with large upper thigh tattoos. These girls often show signs of emotional instability and are potentially violent. On the upside, these women usually have piercings in fun places but ask yourself, “is it really worth it?”

Conversation
Use proper grammar and complete sentences with correct punctuation. I get it you’re lazy and having the same conversation with 6 other girls but she notices the small things and they make a difference to her. Know your homonyms… if you don’t, look them up and figure them out, it will serve you well for the rest of your life. To the right is a nice little worksheet from a 3rd grade Language Arts lesson to give you a refresher.

  • Respect: Be respectful, even if your singular end goal is to smash. The world is full of assholes and one day you might have a daughter. You know better than to be a chauvinistic pig, just because the president can get away with “grabbing her by the pussy” doesn’t make it morally correct, we are adults and it is 2017, just be fucking respectful.
  • Using Her Name: There is something very personal and narcissistically satisfying about having your name used in a conversation. Use this sparingly but when you address her or ask her a question, use her name. e.g. “How is your day going, Cassie.” I promise that it will trigger something in her and you will get a more positive response than the typical “how’s your day going.”
  • Authenticity: Have an organic conversation, this isn’t an interview. Ask for her number in a polite way that seems to mutually benefit both parties, e.g. “May I ask for your number? Bumble is not great for extended conversations.”

Of course this is crash course in what we have found as the most effective methods for Bumbling, it may not all apply to you. Most importantly, do what feels comfortable for you and what works for you unless that is being an asshole, don’t do that, try harder and do better.

Beyond that, happy swiping gentlemen.

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