Da Fuq Are: Succulents

If you don’t fuck heavy with succulents then you’re failing
We’ve hit that stage in life where the place you keep all your shit should bear a closer resemblance to a home than a dorm room. If you’re old enough to be reading this, we’re assuming you’ve moved out of the frat pad, have at least three matching plates and maybe even own a vacuum. Keeping that in mind, let’s collectively take another next micro-step into adulthood by trying to grow something that isn’t weed.

Succulents are training wheel versions of real plants that for some inexplicable reason cause women to flood themselves under the assumption that you are both a responsible adult and proficient caregiver. Think of succulents as the plant version of puppies. They make women swoon and jump to conclusions about how wonderful you are. However, unlike puppies, succulents won’t shit on your couch or eat your expensive shoes.

Don’t believe us? Here are the top seven reasons you need to be balls-deep in tiny plants:

  1. They’re cheap enough to accidentally kill when you forget the part from 4th grade science class where plants need light and water to live.
  2. You can get them literally anywhere.
  3. They are easy AF to take care of.
  4. They’re manlier than flowers.
  5. Succulents are aesthetically pleasing and an outlet for creative expression. Guaranteed this guy gets more trim than you.
  6. Studies correlate happiness and higher levels of concentration to having plants in your home. We didn’t read them, but you can.
  7. Finally, much like your ex-girlfriend, these things will linger and live forever even if you do your best to forget they exist

Invest a tiny amount of time and money in three succs now and reap the benefits of her jumping to conclusions about what a responsible and well rounded young man you are forever.

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