Da Fuq: is Halo Top

If you know any upper-middle class white girls, then you’re aware of Halo Top…
The too-good-to-be-true pint of ice cream that only has a handful of calories and is apparently made out of unicorn jizz and magic. Need truly is the spark for innovation, so as our generation has gotten more and more basic over the years, our collective need to facefuck an entire pint of ice cream while still looking good for Instagram has increased exponentially. Thus, Halo Top came into the world to provide a questionable middle ground between good taste and “good for you.”

So, what the fuck is it?
Halo Top is chemicalized cream-like-air pretending that it’s ice cream, but marketed as healthy so you can eat your feelings while watching the Bachelorette. The major draw is that it typically only has between 200-300 calories a pint, positioning it as an option that’s better for you than taking a pint of Ben & Jerry’s to the face. However, where ice cream is mostly made out of ice and cream, Halo Top is mostly made out ingredients that you can’t pronounce. Basically the diet soda option for ice cream.

What is this gypsy magic?
It has a number of the same ingredients as regular ice cream, so how is the calorie amount per-pint significantly lower than what we’re used to seeing in our frozen treats? Essentially, Halo Top found a way to replace the naturally occurring source of calories in ice cream that come from sugar, with stevia and erythritol. Stevia comes from a plant (kind of like cocaine) which means technically, it’s naturally occurring (also kind of like cocaine). However when the leaf is picked and processed to be added into a product like Halo Top it’s in a much different form (kind of like cocaine). By the point it reaches you at your darkest hour, facefucking a pint solo, it’s been so highly refined and processed that there is nothing natural about it (again, kinda like cocaine).

The other key ingredient, Erythritol, is super low in calories because it can’t be metabolized by our bodies. Rather, it gets absorbed rapidly in the small intestine, which attracts water molecules and contributes to things such as diarrhea. Because of this, you don’t get the normal feeling of fullness you would with real food, making it a unfulfilling snack that often leads to overeating. Parrty

Halo Top and Me
So, what does this all mean for you? The 200-300 calories of Halo Top that you eat is going to be more unfulfilling and taste worse than 200-300 calories of real ice cream. Plus it’s going to wreak havoc on your digestive system. So, next time you’re in an emotional catastrophe we recommend going with something that isn’t going to add on to your problems by making you shit your pants in the middle of the night. If you’ve gotten to the point where you need an entire pint of ice cream and wine to facilitate the tears, be a man and do it for real. At that point, a few extra calories should be the least of your worries.

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