Da Fuq is: Testicular Cancer

Testicular cancer. You give a shit because it’s a young man’s disease
After kicking off November is For The Boys last week with our article on prostate cancer, we’re taking you on another trip to serious town with an introduction to testicular cancer. We know, it’s much easier spending fall slamming Nattys and screaming at the TV when your favorite football team loses, but your balls are more important than a bunch of millionaires in spandex dry humping each other up and down a field. Half of all cases of testicular cancer occur between the ages of 20-34, so unlike prostate cancer, you need to educate yourself now.


You know, just playing with my balls
If you’re a guy, you more than likely spend more time than you would like to admit with your hands down your pants. Readjusting, beating your meat or just making sure it’s still there. We’re not here to judge but we are here to remind you that if you’re not taking proactive measures to medically examine them someday they may not be down there. They’re your two best buds and you owe it to them to take a minute to show them some love. An actual self-administered medical examination could save them from being removed and keep you from dying, so it’s time to do some finger rolling.


Why would I do that when I can just use them as hand warmers?
Aside from the fact that you owe it to them and yourself? There is also an easy way to detect the disease that puts your little berries at risk, no further explanation needed. But here are some cold hard facts for all you stubborn mathematicians out there:

  • One man is diagnosed every hour and one man dies every day from the disease;
  • Half of all cases occur between ages 20-34, and the average age of diagnosis is 33;
  • 1 out of every 263 men is diagnosed with the disease, and the death rate is 1 in 5,000;
  • The risk of testicular cancer among white men is about 4 to 5 times that of black and Asian-American men; and
  • Losing a testicle can potentially decrease your fertility and hinder your ability to procreate.

Great, now I’m reading an article by a dude on the internet telling me how to touch myself
Yeah and odds are you watch strangers bang it out on the internet too, so get over it. Checking your testicles for cancer is similar to parallel parking; it’s not easy but you’ve got to do it pretty frequently.

Step #1 – checking your space, how’s it look and how does it feel?

Step #2 – pull all the way up

Step #3 – gently ease yourself into the space turning the wheel back and forth

Step #4 – Check to see your work, any issues? How’s it look / how’s it feel?

Step #5 – Step out and say “fuck yeah bubbles, I did that!”

Step #1 – How’s it look? Swollen or larger than normal?

Step #2 – Pull your pecker all the way forward for the examination

Step #3 – Individually and gently roll your testicles back and forth

Step #4 – Locate any inconsistencies.

Step #5 – Wash your hands, look in the mirror and say, “fuck yeah bubbles, I did that!”


Where does this evil come from? Mordor? ISIS? Betsy Devos?
The exact cause of most testicular cancers is unknown. While there are a host of factors associated with testicular cancer that can increase the risk, any male with testicles is susceptible. Sorry


In conclusion, balls, balls, balls
We know there’s a stigma around balls. Having these conversations is about as pleasant as zipping your tip up in your fly. It’s fucking awful and sends a shock through your whole body but it reminds you to slow down and be careful. Consider this article as your metaphorical dick zip. Brotherhood is forever, so take care of your bros and your balls. Share this article and visit The Testicular Foundation for more information on this topic. They are much smarter than we are.

As we mentioned, this is done in conjunction with our month-long November Is For the Boys campaign, where members of our community are growing mustaches to raise money for donation to men’s health charities and families directly affected by these diseases. If you are interested in participating, sponsoring, or donating, please visit our November Is For The Boys donation page.

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