Relationships

Don’t Fuck Up: Meeting Her Dad

Five steps for alpha’ing (to impress) her Father
The “how to meet her parents” topic has been written about more times than it deserves to be and it’s always been done in the exact same way: “be polite, turn your phone off, be engaging, be affectionate but not too affectionate etc, etc.” No shit. It doesn’t take a genius to know that you shouldn’t be a dick to the man who’s daughter you’ve duped into entering a monogamous relationship with your ugly ass.

Before we get started, the first thing it’s important to note is that the dynamics of her parents relationship is of no importance in this situation. It doesn’t matter if they are together, separated, or if mom wears the pants and pegs the father. You as a man need to develop a rapport with your girl’s father. Why? Because there is an unspoken agreement between a father and the man his daughter is in a relationship with that says “we both know what you’re doing to my sweet and wonderful daughter after a bottle of wine, so for me to be ok with it, you need to prove to me that you have other redeeming qualities aside from a solid snapback game and K/D ratio.”

Before we take the magical five step journey of learning how to not fuck up meeting her dad, you need to accept that regardless of what you think the situation is, the reality is that you’ve already lost points for being a male. You’re coming off the bench late in fourth quarter, down by ten and need to be the GOAT and get the win in OT. It’s not fair, but it’s your fault for having a penis and wanting to share it with your girlfriend. Sorry.

Step 1: Shake his hand with eye contact and confidence
This is your opportunity to say everything without saying anything. Hit him hard and fast with a large dose of alpha eye contact and a power-handshake so he knows you’re not a pussy and that when push comes to shove, your can protect his little angel. You need to present yourself as an equal to him. Be polite, but be assertive. Being a submissive little bitch won’t get you anywhere in this situation. Or in life.

Step 2: Be spatially aware
It may seem small, but it’s important that you’re not glued to your girlfriends side the entire time. Plain and simple, it makes you look like a puss who lacks the confidence to be independent. No father wants to see this from the man who should be taking care of his beautiful baby girl. Your best bet is to position yourself across from your girlfriend and her father. This way you can make and maintain eye contact with him and project confident independence.

Step 3: Choose your drink wisely and only have two of them
It’s okay to drink vodka-crans when you’re spotting, but when you’re with him, keep your spirits straight up and your beer drafted. Wine should never be bought by the glass and if it is bought, you better know that he likes the varietal and you better be able to intelligently talk about it.

If he offers you a drink you say yes. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, you’re on a diet or Mormon. You say yes. He is offering you a goddamn olive branch and this is his way of showing that he’s trying and willing to give you a chance. If you want to be a Chad and not drink “because you’re on a diet”, do it on your time, not his.

Step 4: Don’t dress like a dickhead
Even if you’re a dirt-muffin hippy living in the back of your van, shave your nasty neck beard, put on your best pair of real pants and a collard shirt that doesn’t smell like patchouli oil and weed.

“But I want to express myself through my personal style so he meets the authentic me!” – You, being a bitch

Well too fucking bad, this isn’t about you. This is about your girlfriend and her father. You are a direct reflection of your girlfriend on the most important male figure in her life. She’s taking a huge risk introducing you to her family, so the least you can do is dress like someone who appreciates the gesture she’s making. Dirtbag.

Step 5: Find a common denominator and then engage
Know something about him and then capitalize on that knowledge. What are his hobbies? Does he like sports? Does he want to build a wall or is he a socialist? This is where you will have your biggest failure or success. Do your homework and find out what he likes in advance, then find ways to organically bring it up in conversation. The goal is to create common ground so you’re more than just the dude who is trying to mount his daughter. With the most minimal amount of success you’ll be the dude who’s trying to mount his daughter, but also shares his interest in golf and liberal political agenda – so you can’t really be too bad. And at the end of the day, if you fail at all of these, remember he was once in your position too.

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