Da fuq is layering and why should I care?
For most of us summer is over and it’s time to retire the Chubbies and start using clothing for something other than peacocking on your friend’s boat while slamming Natty Lights.
Fall is here and it’s a cold and confusing time of year. It’s chilly enough in the morning that you need long pants and a jacket, but by the time your lunch break rolls around you’re suffering from heatstroke. Even after the weather figures out what it’s doing and we fully enter winter, you’re facing a problem with drastic temperature changes as you move from inside to outside multiple times, everyday. You’re facing a massive first world problem of being too hot or too cold? Layering is the solution you’ve been missing and also has the added benefit of making you look like sexual man-chocolate. When done correctly your only problem will be the number of ladies wanting to take all those clothes off for you.
“But my dope ass snowboard jacket works for everything and makes me look agro as fuck”
Yes and no. It is a heavy jacket that keeps you warm, but it’s a snowboard jacket and it’s use should be limited to snowboarding. Grow up Peter Pan. Try harder and differentiate yourself from the rest of brosciety.
You need layering in your life because it creates depth, contrasts clothing items and allows an expression of a stylistic identity that makes it look like you’re an adult that is deserving of having his hang-down played with. Furthermore, it’s practical and will allow you to be ready for whatever type of weather the day throws at you. A snowboard jacket cannot do this for you.
I’m listening, but only because you said it might help me get my dong played with
So how does this work? The most important thing you need to be aware of is that each item should have the ability to be worn by itself. Your outfit should look just as good at the base layer as it does when you have everything on together. As such, we’ve prepared the following guide to layering to prep you for a comfortable and hopefully a fall filled with fun for your phallus.
The Basic Bro’s Guide to Layering
Work your way out from light colors to dark colors
White is always a good base for the first timer. If you have a stronger grasp on the skill, start wherever you want and then think about writing for us.
Work your way out from thin to thick
Just like when you’re picking which girl you want to talk to at the bar, start small and work your way up. Think about how you will be taking off the layers. Do you want a heavy plaid shirt on the bottom? Probs not unless you want to spend your day sweating profusely with no more layers to shed.
The thin to thick rule also applies to the thread and weave of the fabric. Thread has to do with how thick the strands of fabric are and weave refers to how the thread (fabric) is interconnected. Both of these create the texture of a fabric or piece of clothing. I know that was deep but stay with us. We made the following guide for those of you who went to public school:
Average cotton t-shirt = tight threading and tight weave [good based layer]
Average wool sweater = loose threading and loose weave [good outer layer]
Short to long
Your outermost layer should be the longest, this means don’t let your under layers be visible if they aren’t the top layer. It looks like a tutu when you have a plume of fabric from an undershirt jetting out from an upper layer.
Contrast your patterns
What we mean here is go lightly patterned at the base to heavily patterned on your outer layers. Layering allows for contrast, think about how patterns contrast or clash against each other. If you don’t have the capacity to understand this, stay with basic patterns and don’t try to do too much.
This means don’t put two of the same color or tone of color immediately next to each other. If you want to do two of the same tone, make sure you put a complementing layer in between the two. Or if you want to really take it to the next level, here is a color wheel, check out the complementary colors and layer based on that knowledge. For those of you who were too busy eating paint in third grade art class, the color wheel shows you colors and directly across from the base color is the complementary color. These two colors will pretty much always go together.
Don’t go beyond three layers
You’re not going to Antarctica to study penguins. The more layers you have the less mobility and the more likely to look like the Michelin Man. However, there is a special species of women that like thicc men to keep them warm through the winter. Your life, your choice.
For all you technical jacket wearing clowns
Wearing a Dragon sweatshirt under a massive Jibberish jacket-dress is not layering. “You spons’ed dog?” We know you live in a ski town and you get 70 days a year, but no one fucking cares. Save your tech gear for what it’s for and save your dress-like jacket for crossdressing night.
8. Fuck with a down vest
Limit your tech-gear to a versatile vest made by a good outerwear wear company. A vest should be the most technical piece of gear you roll with. This is for all you inner-city stylistic posers who think layering yourself in head-to-toe Patagonia garb makes you more core. Nah, you just look like a walking billboard, you twat. Keep it simple.
9. The only layering piece you need on the bottom is a belt.
Not quite sure what else you would use, but you’re creative and mostly clueless so we need to include this. Same rules apply for belts as we have discussed.