Leaves are on the ground, pumpkin spice is in the air and football has started
Fall is here and contributor Eric Biege is back to enlighten you on the finer points of watching football in a manner that hides the fact that haven’t done anything athletic since your high school glory days. Despite the fact that you’re a NARP for life now, the following guide should help you hide that long enough to hang with the boys for a few hours on Sunday without looking like your only letter was from ultimate frisbee.
It’s Sunday afternoon and the girl you’ve been seeing for a few weeks invites you to go watch football with her family
You’re pretty in to this girl, running out of time to lock something down before winter and thus need to make a good impression with her family. On the way to the bar she explains that her dad is the all-time leading rusher for your local state college and her brothers recently finished four year careers there as well. Odds are that if you’re reading this article, you don’t know shit about football compared to these gentleman. A few mistimed comments during the game and you’ll be waving goodbye to your new lady friend as you prep to spend the holidays with Pamela Handerson. On the flip, if you can impress the boys with some football knowledge, you’ll show her you can hang and show them you’re not a complete Chad.
The Seven Commandments of Watching Football Like a Legend:
- Stop talking ten seconds before the ball is snapped and take your full attention to the game. This will show that you care about football and are intent on watching the game. No one cares that your friend’s friend tried out for Jaguars in 2014.
- Never say things like “catch the ball”, “he’s gotta make that play”, “he sucks” or any other derogatory comment about players or play calling. When you can successfully guard a professional athlete running a 4.3 40 yard dash, making a speed cut and leap 37 inches in the air to catch a ball moving 60 mph, then you can be slightly more critical. Until then, shut the fuck up. Please note that this rule doesn’t apply to kickers.
- Occasionally compliment players on great plays, it shows you have an appreciation for the difficulty and complexity of the game. Just occasionally though. No one wants to watch you waive your pompoms and hit high kicks in a mini-skirt.
- When complimenting a specific player, say things that show you have some comprehensive football knowledge. Instead of “nice catch,” “good pass,” or “sweet run,” drop some actual knowledge and try to get a head turn. When a defensive back makes a great play, say something like “he has great footwork.” Or when a defensive lineman fires off the ball and blows by an offensive lineman for a sack, “god that guy has an incredible get off.” Talk about a players footwork, vision, or pad level to earn some credibility.
- When her family asks if you played the game, don’t ramble on with a bunch of woulda, shoulda, coulda bullshit. Make a light-hearted joke about your short career and move on. For example: “Man I wish, what I lacked in size I made up for by being slow, I love the game though.”
- Wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom, get another beer, or engage in extended conversation. And don’t talk during player or coach interviews. Nothing is more interesting than Erin Andrews.
- Unless her five year old nephew came along, don’t ask anyone who their favorite player is.
Separation is in the preparation. Hop on Google and find out where the starting quarterback, running back, wide reciver, middle linebacker, safety, and/or corner went to college. Pick a statistical category from the previous season and remember it. Hold back and don’t just whip it out randomly. Wait to see if it comes up in conversation (it will), slip it in low key and then fade back out into the background.
If you can make it through today and prove to her family you’re not a sackless chump, then you have a pretty good chance of tapping into this girls freak genetic pool!