If you’re taking the time to read this we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you’re (most of the time) a fully functioning adult male.
And you know what? You should be proud of that. In today’s world of right swipes and selfies it’s not easy independently navigate the various avenues of things that actually matter and become halfway decent at adulting. Together we’re learning how to appreciate all sorts of grown up shit. From learning how drinking can be more evolved than Jack and Coke, to dressing for cold weather and even how to DM slide like a fucking champion, it makes us feel like proud, bearded mothers watching you guys grow up into such fine young gentlemen.
With that in mind, we’re going to try tackling something a little aggressive today: the sensitive conversation of your abilities in the kitchen. The big issue is that you need to figure out how to take care of yourself and cook, but in order to actually cook, you need to have the proper tools. You can’t do one without the other. For once, lets try to not say “fuck it, let’s go to happy hour and molest a plate of street tacos for dinner.”
And we wonder why we’re poor and fat
Cooking is a life skill and is cheaper than eating out. It’s healthy because you know what’s going into your meals and women love men who can cook. When your tender little ego is afraid of failure, just remember cooking is like having sex. The first time isn’t going to be amazing but it’s still going to be fun and you’ll keep getting better the more you do it. It doesn’t matter how bad it is, as long as someone gets off and you’re properly prepared.
We don’t care if you are the chef of your own restaurant or if your cooking abilities extend to oven pizza’s, you need to have a few essential items in your kitchen. If you don’t do it for yourself, at least do it for whomever you convince to come into your home and make food for you.
The Basic Bro’s 10 Kitchen Essentials
Just one, not a set. No frilly bits, no bullshit. Everything you need to do in a kitchen can be accomplished with this knife.
2. A good God damn blender (not a Magic Bullet you beta clowns)
This a professional chefs ace up his sleeve and it is the same for you. It will be the most utilized tool on a daily basis. This is how you bullshit your way into her panties. Purées are sexy AF on a plate. Whip up an emulsified dressing for a crudite platter? Moisture overload. Cheap and efficient one here.
3. Kosher salt
Mortons or Diamond Crystal. From your local pub to The French Laundry, this is in every professional kitchen in the world. The reason? With super fine table salt it’s way too easy to misjudge how much you’re using whereas the larger flakes from kosher salt keep you from blowing your load early and overdoing the seasoning.
Not your iPhone. Cooking is a project that takes concentration and love. Log the fuck out, bro. Spend $3 at the grocery store for a shitty little timer that you can set up to 60 minutes, rarely will you need more. When cooking, the margin for error is small and cook times are everything. You will also feel way less guilty about touching this with your dirty ass paws than your new $1000 iPhone.
5. Vegetable Peeler
Nothing will make you look like more of an unprepared douche bag than you trying to peel carrots with your shitty pairing knife from Ikea. Buy the Y-shaped vegetable peeler that will make your life safer and easier. It also can be used for cocktailing, creating the illusion that you aren’t a degenerate who only drinks beer that comes in quantities of 24 or more.
6. Half Sheet tray
Need to cook some brats for the boys and don’t have a grill? Sheet tray. Need to bake off some cinnamon rolls from a Pillsbury can to impress her? Sheet tray. Need to finish your steaks in the oven because you are cooking for six? Sheet tray. Need to melt cheese on that absurd stoner creation you just made at 1:00 am? Use a fucking sheet tray. They’re usually $12 or less, so you have no excuse not to get one. See here.
7. Non-stick saute pan
Make it so her eggs will be sunny side up in the morning, rather than fertilized. You need a non-stick. Feeling ballsy and want to make crepes? Non-stick. You just spent $40 on first of the season halibut? You get the picture.
Protip: don’t be a dumbass and think you can scrub these with an abrasive sponge or use metal utensils in them. Only use a rubber spatula when touching the teflon. When finished, wipe out with a paper towel or rag, then set it out to dry. It will last you a long time when properly cared for. See here.
8. Industrial cutting board
The days of your roll up rinky dink little plastic piece of shit are over. No one wants to see that JV move. A large cutting board provides space and in turn creates organization. Always keep it wiped off and clean. I’m not saying you need to drop $800 on a butcher block you can pass down through generations. All it takes is $40 on a 1″ thick good plastic heavy duty board.
9. Deep 8-12 quart pot
When you are boiling anything, the general rule of thumb is the more space each item has, the more consistent each item will cook. A huge flaw in most home cooks is to overcrowd everything. Buy a pot that can be of many uses. Pasta, potatoes, brasing, tomato sauce…when your shallow little bitch bowl keeps kicking red sauce against your wall because it bubbles, think about how much easier it would be in the walls on that pot were 3-4 times as high? See here.
Cooking, if respected and appreciated, is a show of love and passion. Wine is the gasoline that fuels passion. You need a to the key to the gas tank. But don’t be a twat and get something mechanized, be classic and classy and learn to open it the right way.