It sucks, but you’re a grown up now. Even during the holidays.
So, as a follow-up to last week’s article on Company Party Etiquette, we’re taking things to the next level to keep you from looking like a sophomoric twat at whatever holiday party you’ve conned your way into. As usual, this is unsolicited advice, but like your mother, we know what a handsome gentleman you could be if you just pulled your head out of your ass and tried harder. Thus, we bring you, the Modern Man’s Guide to Dressing for the Holidays.
“Oh, my hightops and ultra-limited vegan faux fur jacket? Copped dem in LA before Coachella. Swagged out, right?”
No. The reason? You’re not in LA, it’s not festival season and going home to your family Christmas party is not the occasion to be “swagged” anything. Being cool and edgy isn’t being cool and edgy if there is no one around who appreciates you being cool and edgy. Check your ego for a few seconds, dress for the occasion and help everyone enjoy the holidays a little bit more. You’ve got the entire rest of the year to dress like an Eastern-European club promoter.
The One Step Above rule.
The One Step Above rule means dressing one step above how you think everyone else will be dressed. For example, if your girlfriend invites you as her plus one to her work party and the invite says “business casual,” you will be going in a suit. This is the difference between everyone complimenting her on what a handsome, respectable boyfriend she has or you will not be having sex until 2018. Dressing one step above ensures that you’re never underdressed and brings attention to you in a positive way.
The novelty holiday suit is the ultimate Chad move.
Grow up Peter Pan. You’re not peacocking at the DG holiday formal trying to get a handjob in the bathroom from the drunkest freshman you can find. There are two types of people in this world; the kind that needs to draw attention to themselves by spending $100 on a novelty item or the kind that draws attention to themselves by being an interesting person. The choice is yours.
Learn how to use a calendar.
We know it’s hard to think about anything but your next DM slide, but you need to have a plan in advance. Otherwise, you’ll be standing there with your dick in your hand on the day of the party thinking, “oh ferrrk, today is the day, and I have nothing to wear.” This will probably leave you with your dick in your hand after the party too, since no one is going to take a chance on the guy who whipped out his wrinkled novelty suit from 2015.
Do a stock check about a week in advance to make sure you have everything you need. If you do, make sure it’s in a respectable state. The last time you dressed up was probably in Vegas, so now is the time to clean the Jager stains on your white oxford and Febreze the scent of Grape Swisher Sweets and strippers from your jacket.
If you don’t have everything you need, we got you covered.
The holidays are easy. Conservative, well-fitting clothing with simple patterns is all you need. Since your ability to dress yourself hasn’t evolved enough, we have it sorted out for you. Most of these items you should already have.
Navy Wool Peacoat
Heavy Knit Sweater
$ Second hand store
$$ Hornbilly London
Notice nothing plaid is included. We know it’s getting cold, and you’ve been channeling your inner lumbersexual since you took off your Chubbies in September, but keep the buffalo plaid for casual work wear.