If you have balls (even if they are now the property of your significant other) or know someone with balls, the following information applies to you
Five days from now we be entering November, which means it’s time to start letting your mustache express it’s true self – good or bad, majestic or pathetic. Historically we’ve participated in Movemeber or No Shave November because it’s entertaining to grow a mustache and lets you make “womb broom” jokes for an entire month. However, this year we’re going to be doing it for a real purpose to help a real cause and we’re calling on the MoMM community to join us.
Get to the point clown, I want to get back to looking at #fitchicks on Instagram
We are challenging the Methods of a Modern Male community to grow mustaches and raise money to donate to men’s health issues. At the end of the month we will be donating 100% of funds raised to a charity working in the space of prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health/suicide prevention. They are the only charity operating in this space that works for men year-round and on a global scale.
“Sorry, but ya boi is broke as fuck. I wish I had money, but student loans and Bumble dates have exhausted the fun funds.”
Yes, we know. Us too, so here is the plan. You / us / we are calling upon the Facebook moms of the world. We only used a few expletives in this article so you can share it with people who don’t have the same affinity for colorful language that we do. Plus, when a conversation inevitably comes up about your new mustache you can direct it as such:
Mom: What is that heinous growth of hair on your upper lip? You’re such a handsome young man, why would you bastardize the beauty I have given you through shared genetic traits by growing a mustache?
You: I’m growing it as part of a community fundraising effort to support a charity which deals with men’s physical and psychological health issues on a global scale.
Mom: I’m so proud of the civically engaged young man you have become, here is $20 that I was going to spend on a car wash but will now donate on behalf of you instead. Now my car needs washed and I don’t have money for a commercial wash, so make haste my spawn and clean my whip.
“You gypsies want my money, but why should I give a shit?”
Because this is a chance to pull your head out of your ass for two seconds and think about something other than how many likes your #wanderlust Instagram candid is going to get. This is a chance to help stop young men’s lives from ending earlier than they should from shitty diseases such as cancer and depression. You care because you are a citizen of a globalized world and bringing people together to promote change is a way to actually do something other than the typical Facebook slacktivist bullshit we millennials are so good at. Just one driven individual can make a difference in the grand scheme.
Also you should give a shit because mustaches are hilarious and powerful and we’re partnering with our sponsors to give away dope prizes for the top three fundraisers. Actual prizes you can get hyped about. Plus, we will have an audience choice prize for the best mustache that will be decided through votes. If you beat this level of masculinity with a mustache we will give you our firstborns.
Alright, fine. What do I have to do to get involved?
1. By November 1st: Register by emailing the following to firstname.lastname@example.org:
- Your Name
- A few sentences (2-5) on why you’re doing this
- Shave your face and send us a picture of you looking like a 13-year-old
We’ll create profiles for everyone on the website and get back to you with a link that you can start sending to everyone so they can laugh at you and donate money.
2. November 2nd-29th: Grow that mustache and do what you need to do to make it as majestic as possible.
When people ask you why you have a mustache you tell them that it’s for charity and you’re raising money for men’s health issues with your growth. Continue to explain that it would be great if they donated to the cause on the Methods page rather than buying their third cup of Starbucks for the day. Use #Novemeberis4theboys excessively. Be dope.
3. November 30th: Bathe in the glory that is your fully grown mustache and check back to see what you won.
Take a final picture and send it to us so we show the world how majestic you’ve become. Prepare your inbox to be flooded with date requests from women who are impressed not only by your powerful upper lip, but also by you generosity and care for others. We’ll drop the check off to the foundation and do our part to kick cancer in the dick.