The Modern Male’s Guide: Ties

If you’ve gotten this far in life, you’re probably aware that there are different types of ties… and that’s about it. If someone put a gun to your head and asked you to tie a specific knot you might as well pull the trigger yourself. Thankfully, we’ve got you covered with an introduction to bolos, bowties and tie ties.

Bolo ties
Not an intelligent stylistic decision unless you can honestly answer “yes” to at least four out of the next five questions:

  1. Have you ever shoved your whole arm into a heifer’s vagina to see if it was pregnant?
  2. Have you killed big game, gutted it, butchered it and then eaten it?
  3. Are you a cowboy or of Native American descent?
  4. Have you ever wrestled and pinned a calf and been part of a branding?
  5. Do you chew Copenhagen snuff and then gut the spit?

If you scored four out of five or higher, a bolo tie is a fitting accessory. If you scored below 80%, you’re trying to be edgy by engaging in a passing novelty fad and/or are at a destination wedding in Wyoming. Regardless of where or why, you’re being a culturally appropriating asshole. Move back to Portland and try riding a bear to get the western experience you deserve.

If you’re really set on going for the western look, check out Western Range Clothing, they are a small company out of Jackson that takes a western approach on classic clothing. It’s a much better alternative than looking like an asshole in a bolo tie.

Just as Pee Wee Herman needed to think twice about jerking off in public, you need to think twice about wearing a bowtie. There’s three main things you need to consider when making this decision:

  1. Does it compliment the outfit or is it a nerdy distraction?
  2. A bowtie sends a message of playful defiance from the norm of a tie, but you should reflect and own the defiance.Thus, body type, image and message all need to be taken into account. If you’re the strong, silent type it’s not for you. If you’re a playful little bear with no cares, you can and should fuck with a bowtie.
  3. If you’re going to do it, do it for real. A man should never own a pre-tied or clip-on anything. It’s okay if your knot isn’t perfect. The important thing is that you tied it yourself.

Ties are a classic for a reason. They’re timeless, classy and work in the widest range of situations for the widest range of men. These should always be your go-to choice, just make sure to pay attention to the following:

  1. Big tie knot = big dick swinging power… most of the time but not all the time. If you have a little bird neck and are a twig man, a big knot like the Double Windsor will make you look like a clown. If you’re conservative and smaller set, go for the Four-In-Hand knot; it’s easy, approachable and a small knot that will work with your body type.
  2. Make sure the width of the tie is no wider than the width of the lapel on your jacket.
  3. The tie needs to come down and touch the middle of your belt. This is non-negotiable and you’ll look like a fourth-grader if it’s any longer or shorter.
  4. If you’re wearing a tie, your shirt needs to be tucked in and you need to have a belt on. This is also non-negotiable unless of course your name is Chad and you’re trying to bring hot babes back to your economy hotel room at Treasure Island.

When in doubt, conservative is always better
If you’re not 100% certain or confident then don’t make aggressive decisions. Fashion doesn’t work like that. However, if you are uncertain, don’t let the salesman at Men’s Warehouse project his highly questionable stylistic decisions on to you. You are a man and you can make your own decisions without his help.

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