The Modern Male’s Guide to Swimwear

Photo by: Lynae Cook

The rule is simple: unless you’re on a surfboard (in an ocean), your bathing suit is above your knees
24 hours a day you’re bombarded with advertising aimed at getting you to buy whatever product is “so hot right now.” This is all well and good until you get inceptioned into buying the latest and greatest mankini straight from Milan. Congratulations, you’re not only poorer now, but you also look like an asshole. If you’re a straight millennial man between the ages of 18 and 35 the only type of swimwear you should give a shit about are swim trunks. Period.

Time to leave Neverland Peter Pan
First thing’s first, it’s time to stop buying board shorts that go below your knees. Reason one being that you’ve been crushing The Workout and that VMO has the most sexual and defined teardrop shape anyone has ever seen. Show that shit off, you worked hard for it and ladies love it. Minor but related detour; any Chad can pump upper body five days a week and see solid results. But you’re better than that. A real man puts in work doing legs and now you get to show off your accomplishment by wearing a pair of trunks that let the ladies know. Make leg day your favorite day of lifting; make shorter shorts your favorite and only pair of swim trunks.

Reason two is, board shorts are meant to be used on a board. Unless you’re on a board you’re doing it wrong.

Free Willy
Not freeing your willy under your trunks is more upsetting than SeaWorld’s treatment of Tilikum. Stop the abuse and let your fish flop; don’t wear boxers or underwear with your swimmies because that shit is for adolescents. Not to mention if you are wearing cotton underwear, it’s going to take 1,000 years for the underwear to dry. Stick to the synthetic material of the swim trunks and leave the underwear at home. Free your thighs and free your mind.

It’s the size, not how you use it
Most of brands of swimwear are starting to include inseam length on the product description … 5 inch / 7 inch / 9 inch and no, these lengths have nothing to do with your hang-down. So if we can’t make a dick joke about it, why do I care what an inseam is? You care because over the last two paragraphs you graduated from board shorts with underwear to giving a shit about your swimsuit. We commend ourselves for making your education easier than your state school communications degree.

What you need to know about an inseam is that it is the distance from the crotch to the bottom of the fabric. So a smaller inseam indicates a shorter length. A 5 inch inseam is aggressive but if you’re tall and/or have perfectly sculpted quads, you deserve to go aggressively short. 7 inch inseams are safe, middle of the road options to get some sunlight on those pale thighs whereas 9 inch is conservative where you’re pushing into board short territory.

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