Try Harder: How to Not Fuck Up Valentines Day

Valentines Day – even if you win, you still lose
It blows our minds that both sexes are so disillusioned with one day. Men dread the day and women never have the day they envision. However, both sexes acknowledge and engage in the “holiday” and then act surprised when it inevitably ends in a train wreck… How didn’t either of you know this was coming?

Here is the cold hard truth. This holiday is a trap and no matter what you do, you will disappoint her because her expectations are unrealistic and you’re not trying hard enough.

No matter how well you do, you always lose
You’re fighting with her past and potentially with your future. There are two and a half possibilities:

  • Possibility 1 – She might have had the best Valentines Day with her ex last year and now you have to measure up to that. Or she might have had the worst Valentines Day last year with her ex and now when you blow it, you get lumped in with him.
  • Possibility 2 – You blew her panties off last year by going over the top with celebrations and this year you’re more set in the relationship and have become complacent so this year you don’t do anything and you get the “you don’t love me like you use to love me.”
  • Possibility 2.5 – You impress her this year and when Valentines Day comes around next year you’ve fucked yourself into “possibility 2.”

So we see from the previously listed possibilities that no matter what happens, you’re in the middle of a hurricane of expectations on a sinking boat. Bring your lifejacket and get ready for some damage control.

Here are five ways to be less fucked in a bad way and more fucked in a good way next Tuesday:

#1 – Don’t buy her flowers
Buying flowers is pretty much like throwing money away but if you’re into that buy them the day after when the prices go down. They are going to die anyway. *But really if your lady wants flowers, you better go buy her flowers, she wont accept anything less.

Do: Buy her a succulent. They are cheaper, need minimal attention and are going to live longer than 5 days. We know cacti are prickly and solemn plants that aren’t synonymous with romance but they are hard to kill… Make up a story about the cactus’  representing your enduring love for her and you’re golden.

#2 – Don’t buy her a cheap ass bag of chocolate
If your girl really digs chocolate and this is the direction you’re going, don’t buy her a pound bag Hersey’s Kisses. She will face the entire bag, have a breakout and won’t feel pretty.  then she will project her self-loathing on to you and somehow convince herself that its your fault she’s a chocolate slut. You savage enabler.

Do: Find her something high quality and with a unique story that she will appreciate more than a large bag of shitty chocolate, unless she a really is a chocolate slut and is ok with it.

#3 Don’t buy her a bottle of wine with a neat label because it caught your eye
A bottle of wine will end one of two ways. You’ll both get drunk and have sloppy special lady day sex or you’ll say something dumb in your drunken stupor and it will cause a fight and she’ll dig up something that you did 4 months ago and the night is ruined and again you have to do damage control.

Do: Be informed on your wine purchase and do swing your dick on this.We have 2 bottles of wine already chosen with information and stories for you to impress her with here and here.

#4 Don’t try to go out to eat
Don’t put the fate of your already volatile evening in the hands of someone who could give a shit if your night goes well or not.

Do: Cook dinner. We are providing a recipe for lobster tails poached in vanilla butter with sweet pea and saffron risotto, which is super simple and a total layup if you follow the directions. Recipe and wine pairing here and here.

#5 Don’t buy her a lame ass Hallmark Card:

Do: Write her a handwritten letter: the power and value of a handwritten letter will be addressed at a later date but for now I’m going to tell you that this is the winning play. Especially if you’re in a committed relationship and have copped feels for your bird. Make a draft, find nice paper (not notebook paper with ripped edges) use a nice pen and tell her you appreciate her for putting up with your shit and that you love her. I promise she will keep it as long as she keeps you.

We are not saying this will get you through unscathed but these are a few ways to avoid a Chernobyl sized meltdown when you ignore her needs entirely. At the end of the day, all she wants is for you to try harder and be able to read her mind.


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