Wine 101: Making The Goods

Turns out making wine is a lot like building the best kind of ship, a relationship.
Wine goes back more than six thousand years, but the in the last 150 years advances in science and technology have defined and created the wine you know and drink today. For most of history, wine was made under two processes: one for white and one for red. Both of which-generally speaking-created “one-dimensional or flat tasting wines” which is how rich people say it tastes boring. This was due to a lack of scientific understanding and knowledge about fermentation, yeasts and temperature control through the fermenting. All of this changed when technological advances were applied and the process could be more easily controlled.

Much like dating and women, it all starts with the harvest

With women, you pick the female (or she chooses you) for what is going to be accomplished that evening or in the future. As you know with women, a casual hook up could turn into a winter relationship if it’s cuffing season. Or if it’s early in the year and things are ripe, then it may be a quick, in and out affair without any long term commitment to quality.

With wine, it’s pretty much the same; the harvest time has everything to do with the end product. As we touched on in “No seed, no stems, no sticks,” young grapes have a higher acid content and lower sugar content and when you harvest a grape determines the acid/sugar level. The winemaker decides which grapes at what time will yield the desired result. In this light, grapes for white wines (whites typically have higher acid content) are harvested first when acidic levels are high. Then grapes for red wines are harvested after when sugar levels have surpassed acid levels.

Next up is a destemming and crushing, which is pretty much Bumble for grapes
When it comes to women, Bumble made your life easier by making it easy to “sort” through hundreds of women who you may or may not have any interest in interacting with. It also made it easy for you to process and lay the groundwork for those select few women without having to commit hours of exhausting manual labor.

With wine, the advent of mechanical destemmers and grape crusher do exactly what they sound like they do. They destem and crush. But crushing is not pressing, crushing is splitting the grape skin open enough so the natural yeasts that live on the skins of grapes can begin to interact with the pulp of the grapes. This is where red and white wine differ… Red wines are fermented with skins and seeds, it is what gives red wine it’s red color. For white wines, the skins and stems are removed in this process.

Next it’s time to spit some game with fermentation.
With women, two factors to consider when spitting game.

  • Number 1: What type of hot fire are you laying on this bird? It is hot and heavy bullshit about volunteering at the Humane Society so you can end up in her bed tonight or are you playing the long game and actually wanting something meaningful to come from this?
  • Number 2: What’s the situation? Are you somewhere where a one night stand or hook up is expected or are you going to need to supplement this with something more meaningful and powerful like a few dates?

With wine, a slow game where you develop a meaningful relationship with her before trying to stick your prick in her is likely going to evolve into something more complex than a one night stand. Thus, a slower fermentation process will typically create a more complex and aromatic wine. The situation with wine is important too, often times there are necessary additives that must be included to create something complex, these take the form of added yeasts in fermenting process.

Pressing = sex
Again, for all intents and purposes of this analogy, this is the home run when it comes to women. This is where the sexy time is made, clothes are off, condoms are on and it’s time to get wet and wild. And then after those 14.5 seconds of pure bliss, (one sided bliss, you didn’t last long enough to satisfy her) you are hers. She got you with her magic powers, now she carries your jewels in her purse and she somehow sewed your pockets shut all within 14.5 seconds. ~Crazy~

For wine, the press is the process in which the grapes are pressed in order to form a liquid with a fuckton of pulp from the skins and seeds. Keep in mind that this is only in the case of red wine. Skins and seeds have already been removed for white wines.

DTRing with Aging and Clarification

With women, this is the “so, uhhhh, what are we?” conversation. This is the moment of truth where you’re put in the position of having to pay to play. Either give up the fuckboi life and commit or get the fuck out and stop wasting her time. If its going to happen, she’ll want to move in together, get a dog, start shitting with the door open… It’s all part of the aging process.

For wine it’s the process of letting the natural process run its course. Depending on the wine or the wine maker, it could be a short aging time or a long one. It could be in stainless steel vats, concrete vats or oak barrels; each will impart a specific flavor and result on the final product

Bottling the rocket 
Marriage.. you’ve matured and now you’ve been locked down with a cork shoved into you. If everything has gone well and all factors have been accounted for, you could be perfect from the next 80 years but sometimes things go wrong. In that case there is always or next year’s harvest.

*Special thank you to Seed Wines for your contributions and support.

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