Fashion

The Modern Male’s Guide: Belts

The simplicity of how to wear a belt is in the definition
“A strip of leather or other material worn around the waist or across the chest.”
Take note of the subject-predicate relationship in the definition. For those of you who went to state schools, let us breakdown what that means for you: The subject is “a strip of leather or other material” and predicate is “waist or across the chest.” The predicate is not “ass or legs.” By definition, this means if you are wearing a belt anywhere except around your waist or across your chest you are doing it wrong. Period. End of story.

Common arguments and why you’re wrong
Chad: Belts aren’t comfortable
Why you’re wrong: You needing to pull your pants up from around your ass every five minutes isn’t comfortable for people to watch. Have some common courtesy, you degenerate.

Chad: I have a belt made out of shoestrings because I’m cool, edgy and went skateboarding once
Why you’re wrong: Shoestring belts were acceptable around the same time your email was bigdickswinger42069@aol.com. Eventually you grew up, started taking yourself seriously and changed your email. Unless you’re getting paid millions to skate around in head-to-toe Redbull stickers, it’s time to be an adult in more ways than just your email address.

Chad: I like loose pants
Why you’re wrong: There’s nothing wrong with wearing loose pants around the leg, but everything is wrong with wearing pants that don’t sit above your hips. You look like a teenager and deserve to be treated as such until you get a belt and/or get pants that fit.

The Seven Commandments of Belt Buying for the Modern Man

1. Cost

You should be wearing a belt everyday, so break down the cost by how often you’re going to be using it. Investing $100-$150 for a high quality belt that you can wear casually or formally everyday is the most fashionable, functional and economically sound move you can make. At this point, you don’t need to spend upwards of $150. Remember, we are entering a new world of caring and most of us don’t have money for both dress belts and casual belts (there is a difference) right now. It’s not a demonstration of excessive wealth that you don’t have.

Spending $400+ on a Gucci or Ferragamo belt makes you look like an asshole, especially because you are probably wearing a pair of matching Gucci sandals and LA Dodgers flat brim-unless you’re really going for that papi look while you’re walking down the South Beach Boardwalk. If not, our recommendations? Check out Nordstrom Rack or Saks Off 5th to find something nice that will last as as many years as your waist stays the same size. Being a lazy desk jockey and getting fat costs money.

2. Belt Buckles
Only okay if you won it competing in a rodeo. A Versace Medusa or Gucci belt buckle doesn’t project class or wealth, it loudly states, “I get paid by the hour, drive a base level Mazada 3 hatchback and yell at my girlfriend in public.”

3. Materials
Patternless leather is always the best decision. It’s traditional, classic and versatile.

4. Colors
Start simple with black and brown leather belt. You’ll get more paying for quality over a brand or “swag factor.” You’re not trying to be like this guy. In all honesty, you will never need anything more than these two colors. If you ever find yourself with the financial freedom and desire to buy more specific belts, absolutely knock yourself out. Until then, it’s a waste of money to invest in anything other than the simple basics. *Never wear a white belt unless you’re a professional golfer and even then, fratmaster Rickie Fowler really is the only one who can pull it off.

5. Patterns
Simple and basic is always the best and most versatile. Belts that support your team are interesting and demonstrate your dedication, but no woman will ever say “it gets me so wet when you tie me up with your nylon Cleveland Browns belt.”

6. Matching
The traditional rule has been to match your belt with the upper or the sole of your shoes. We agree that this is the safest and smartest decision. Again, black and brown have the widest range of possibilities for matching; hence why we suggest staying with these initially.

7. A good belt has one unspoken alternative use
Which maybe you didn’t like it as a child, but you probably like it now.

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