Photo by: Leah Stroud
Don’t be an Asshole
Like a true burnout desk jockey, you spent the entire fall and winter facefucking whole meat lovers pizza’s and chasing it with pitchers of beer whilst making the “winter is coming” joke and now you’re fat. Congratulations, Hodor, you did it. Unfortunately now it’s no longer winter, nor is it coming and you’ve decided that the overstuffed sausage look isn’t going to attract even the thirstiest heifer. The only way to right yourself? Return to the promise land. Welcome back to The Church of Iron my child. We can see it’s been a while and your understanding of etiquette is a little rusty, so we’re here to remind you how things work in the holy house.
When hitting on the hottest girl in the gym you either win or die. But mostly die
Every gym has that one girl. The one with the stupidfly ass in dem’ Lulus, a tight stomach, bad-girl tattoos and a excessively-strappy sports bra that smashes her titties up to her chin. Hot fire. And much like fire, the only thing that’s going to happen if you try to play with it is you get burned. She’s more serious about lifting than you are, in way better shape and definitely has a boyfriend. Nothing is worse than being another gym bro vying for her attention and approval.
Help us help you
Game at the gym isn’t a thing. Even if you do have game, inside these walls, you have nothing. If you’re at the gym to workout (which you should be, since this isn’t CrossfFit social hour.) you know that maintaining a conversation is a serious task. Trying to be charming, funny and intelligent is hard enough in real life, and damn near impossible when you’re mid-pump and half hard from watching your own striations ripple back and forth. It’s not your fault that you’re dumb, science is just working against because as Arnold told us:
Pre-workout + Testosterone + Blood flowing to your muscles and not your brain = Full Moron
Gym is church, respect the house of worship
If she’s serious about lifting (hair up and no makeup) she wants to be productive and not be treated like an inept piece of meat. She doesn’t need you to “spot her” or critique her form. She may say “no thanks” when you ask her, but really what she means is “fuck off and die” because you’re the 1000th person who’s asked her this week.
If you’re a stubborn meatstick and neither of those reasons got through your thick dome, here are a few things to know on your journey north of the wall:
- Gym girls are at least five times better looking when they are in the gym. It’s some Lord of Light magic that manipulates your feeble mind. Do some research on her. Some people may call it “stalking,” but you’re using publicly available social media for informational purposes, so in this case it’s called researching. *ProTip* check your gym’s geotag on Instagram if you don’t know her name.
- You not approaching her or even acknowledging her existence makes her curious. Like most #fitchicks, she’s used to attention from everyone. Much like vampires, she doesn’t even need food to survive. She gets her sustenance from Instagram likes, shutting dudes like you down and collecting unanswered DMs in her inbox. When she doesn’t get these, it will bother her. However, there is a thin line between being coy and being an asshole, tread lightly and find a balance.
- Mirrors seem to be your best friend when in fact they are your worst enemy. You think you’re being sly, but imma tell you right now, mirrors work two, three or four ways, if you can see her, she can see you. You can’t outsmart line of sight, it just doesn’t work that way.
In conclusion don’t hit on girls at the gym. However, if you must, don’t be an asshole.