Adulting Food

You’re Doing it Wrong: Kitchen Knifes

Why the average guy needs a serious knife
It’s a full frontal dick swinging power move to have a beautifully crafted, razor sharp knife, especially if you’re not a chef. It’s the modern day equivalent to having and using a sword. However, rather than crusading to the Middle East to stop the spread of Islam, you’re chopping squash for a Ratatouille that will have her panties moister than an oyster. What a time to be alive.

Even if you’re a weekend warrior when it comes to cooking, the first thing you need to buy before any gimmicky bullshit device is a high quality knife. It’s the most useful thing you can own and nothing can replace it. You can make a makeshift grill, fire, or pan. You can’t makeshift a knife.

You only need one. It’s unnecessary and a waste of money to own a battery of knives. You need one high quality knife that is kept in pristine condition and can do everything from trimming fat from a pork shoulder to slicing shallots.

Sharpness means ease of use, efficiency and less trips to the hospital
Dull knives are accidents waiting to happen. As a home cook you’re more likely to cut yourself with a dull blade than a sharp one because the knife will roll over what you are cutting. It will not only cut you but add blunt force trauma, and let’s be honest, you’re too poor to go to the hospital. A sharp knife will cut clean and be easier to repair/faster to heal. What this means is, less time trying to adult (whether cooking or at the hospital) and more time blasting your social channels with all the sexual ass meals you’re making. RIP your inbox Mr. #chefspired, there’s a DM train heading your way. Pew pew.

You only need to know three things when buying a knife:

1. Length & Weight: A knife is like an extension of your dong, so there are two schools of thought. One, size matters. Length and weight is everything. If your forearm isn’t rippling with striations as you cut your limes you’re doing it wrong and no one is going to appreciate how many wrist curls you’ve been doing at Planet Fitness. Or alternatively, nimble, lightweight and small. It’s not the size, it’s how you use it. What this boils down to is that you have two options: a chef’s knife or a santoku.

The chef’s knife is the workhorse of the kitchen and an absolute necessity for production by a serious cook. Usually made from german steel, it’s a perfect choice for the meat heavy cook needing size and power for tasks of butchering, filleting and everything between.

Santoku is the little brother to the Chef’s knife. Designed to slice, dice and mince, its lightweight and nimble design is a smart starting point for the entry level cook. It will be easier to hold, control and if necessary, it has the ability to pull off some serious work too.

2. Ability to Maintain: Do you throw your custom made suit in the laundry with your gym clothes? No. Same concept for your knife; invest and appreciate what you have, respect high quality and keep it that way. When you’re shopping, you need to know that Japanese knives will hold an edge longer than German because of the steel the knife is made with. Once again, this makes a Japanese Santoku better for the less serious cook who doesn’t want to spend as much time on maintenance.

3. Balance: Knives are like online dating: what you see isn’t always what you get. The best way to avoid getting catfished is to choose a knife in person where you can hold it and compare it to others. However, the problem lies in the fact that we’re lazy millennials and don’t shop (or talk to women) in person anymore. So, you’re going to have to set up a few first dates to separate Beyoncé from Bigfoot. Buy a few from Amazon to see the difference in their balance point and go from there.

Here’s how to avoid fucking up your new dick extension 

  1. Be anal about it. You’re dropping $100+, don’t be apathetic and shove it in dangerous places.
  2. Never put it through the dishwasher. Wash it by hand and dry it immediately.
  3. Store it somewhere where it won’t be clanking against other metal objects that will ding and dull the blade. Buy a $15 knife magnet and mount it on the wall. It will protect the blade, it’s efficient and makes you look like an adult who might be capable of taking care of someone.
  4. Sharpen it before each use with a honing steel. Handheld knife sharpeners are for Chad and will destroy your blade.
  5. Always cut on a cutting board. Don’t be a dingus and cut directly on your counter no matter how small the job is.

Becuase you’re a millennial and are incapable of making life choices for yourself, we picked our top-five list and linked you to Amazon

JA Henckles 8-inch Chef’s Knife (German Steel) – $54


Global 8-inch Chef’s knife (Japanese Steel) – $124

Wusthof Classic 8-inch Chef’s Knife (German Steel) – $110

Shun Classic 8-inch Chef’s Knife (Japanese Steel) – $150


Shun 7-inch Santoku (Japanese Steel) – $180

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