In Her Words: Bumble

Photo by: Lynae Cook

In response to our recent post Trying Harder: Bumble we thought it would be entertaining and informative to get a female’s perspective on Bumbling. So, we reached out our friend Taylor Grandy to get her humble opinion on what does and doesn’t work for online dating. Here’s what she came up with:

Women are on Bumble for the same reason as you are
And then a million other reasons with a million tiny hidden agendas. Whether we’re looking for a one night stand, a fun rebound, or we’re looking to the Internet as a last resort in hopes of finding a lasting relationship, the standards never change. Sorry guys who post mirror selfies in their underwear, no matter how horny we are, no self respecting girl swipes right to that.

Pictures: Here is your warning; women are shallower than men when it comes to Bumble and maybe in general
Keep this in mind when you’re picking out your pictures. The first photo makes or breaks it for you. You on your bike, wearing your helmet doesn’t make you look sporty, it makes you look stupid. And that picture of the back of your head looking out into the ocean doesn’t make you look pensive or deep; it’s absolutely worthless to us and isn’t helping your cause. The back of your head is the same as the back of every head and we don’t want to sit on the back of your head, we want to sit on your face but we need to know what it looks like. Lastly, please for the love of God don’t put pictures of you with groups of other girls. We don’t know who they are and we don’t care.

Bio’s: Your bio is important! Girls have to take the first leap on Bumble and message you. Give us something to work with

  • Avoid writing a novel, it feels desperate and online dating already makes a person seem a little desperate (something we already feel vulnerable about.)
  • Avoid writing things like “I don’t know why I’m on here” and/or adding, “I don’t know why this matters” before you write your height. You do know why you’re on here and you do know why your height matters. Girls want confident, quick, and witty.
  • We also appreciate honesty above all else. Tell us if you’re going to hit it and quit it or if you’re looking to get attached. We’d like to know what we are or are not signing up for.
  • Avoid bible quotes and saying you’re spiritual. Save that shit for Christian Mingle and your AA meetings, you pussy.

Conversations: Once you’ve gotten over the superficial hump of it all, it’s time to start talking
You’ve already decided you wanted to fuck us. This is where we decide whether or not we’re going to let you. The goal here is to hold our interest and make us feel like this isn’t a mistake. Being hot is great and all, but if you can’t think of anything to talk about after five minutes of the typical back and forth, we’ve already moved on.

The actual date: We’ve been wooed by you. We want to see you in person. We’ve already been through every one of your social media profiles and probably a few family members (so have our friends) and you seem like a good egg.
Here’s the big question we have both been asking ourselves since we first matched, are we having sex tonight? Well that depends. Have we already sent each other pictures of our private parts? If that’s a yes, then it’s fairly certain we will. It’s also safe to say all of our friends have seen your dick now too. However, if you’ve played it cool and have only danced around the topic then tonight is the night you figure it out. Chances are we want it, but being a woman means we’re questioning everything. If we have sex on the first night is that all we’re good for? If we hold out are you going to get bored and hop back onto Bumble? Do you have herpes?

General needs: Make us feel safe please
Make us feel wanted and not just in a sexual way. Even if it is only in a sexual way. This isn’t either of our first rodeos. No matter how superficial online dating may be, this is still a date. Play on the illusion that you care a little because we sure as hell expect you to. If all goes well you’ll have a solid month before both of you realize you are both psychopaths. Good luck and God speed.

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