Let’s. Fucking. RAGE.
Nothing says “holiday spirit” quite like unlimited Manhattans, finger food for days and a chance to spit some hot fire at that recently single co-worker fresh out a six-year relationship. The company holiday party is here, and you’re about to get hammered on someone else’s dime while the possibility of actualizing an office romance hangs in the air like well-placed mistletoe. What could go wrong?
Like most holidays involving other people’s feelings and socializing (Valentine’s day, Thanksgiving, etc.), your office holiday party is a trap. Why? Because much like tigers and petting zoos, there are things in life that don’t mix. For example, the charming, young professional you are during work hours and the savage fuckboy still living inside you that is a liability when surrounded by free booze.
This year you’ll get dozens of chances to party with people that don’t directly impact your employment status. Your company holiday party is not one of these nights. Your actions have consequences, and if fuckboy you is shirtless standing on a chair informing the finance department that the “club can’t hold me,” professional you will pay the price. No matter how many times you watch Wolf of Wall Street, you’re not Jordan Belfort.
Unless you are Jordan Belfort
This article does not apply to anyone with a job involving uncapped commission structures. You people live on a different planet and time saved not reading this article will most likely be spent finding recreational drugs to do with your colleagues.
1. Unplug, bro.
If you haven’t noticed, millennials are the butt of almost every joke these days, so don’t give Nancy in HR any more reason to bag on you. We know, you’re #popular on Instagram and your phone is an extension of your body, but bro, log the fuck out. This is a chance to get to know the people you work with as actual people. This way you might actually have someone on your side next time the interns narcs on you for PEDs.
2. Yes, ma’am, I am nothing but a brown-nosing, ladder climbing twat.
The beginning of the party is your chance to talk to the higher-ups before they start having real conversations with people who are more important than you, so don’t skip it. Get these out of the way early before you’re too hammered to talk to anyone that has the power to fire you. For a genuinely good impression, engage in a conversation with their significant other. It won’t go unnoticed, and you will inevitably be a later topic of conversation when Jerry tells your boss how much he enjoyed discussing his golf game with that “promising young man in the sharp suit.” Boom, now you’re golf buddies and firing you comes with the added risk of starting a fight at home. #cashmegettingpromoted
3. Get drunk, get crunk, get fucked up.
By now you should have enough money in your bank account that you don’t feel obligated to drink a month’s worth of alcohol at every open bar. Keep it professional. If your boss has to arrange a ride home for you because you’re the trainwreck passed out in a chair at 9 PM, you failed.
4. Dick in pants.
Workplace romances rarely workout. Studies show they are even less likely to last if they happen in a drunken stupor in front of the entire office. Do yourself a favor and lock your snake in its cage. If you do find yourself in a situation where both parties want it to happen, casually take it somewhere else.
5. Remember that time your plus one told the CEO to fuck off? The CEO does too.
Your date is a direct reflection of your decisions. What they say, what they look like and how they behave matters. With this in mind, maybe hold off on bringing Jessica, 19, server at Hooters, to this one.